Lessons from the Road

Posted: November 26, 2008 in Humor
Tags: , , ,

traffic2.png Traffic image by whereisless

Traveling to Kentucky last night gave me a chance to think and observe, which is a much better alternative than nodding and dosing.  So here are some observations I made while driving.  And here also some lessons from those observations.  Perhaps you will find them helpful, or at least mildly diverting.

In the spirit of “God puts people in your life to make you better” I offer these observations and accompanying lessons about certain people you might encounter on the road.  Mind you, I am not one to complain.  That would be wrong.  God put these loons in my way to help me toward godliness.  So thanks God for these loons on the road.

Thanks for the Left-lane Lounging Loon (hereinafter simply LLL loon).  He is most easily found when traffic becomes heavy.  (Note: I will use he throughout when describing these defective drivers in deference to my English teachers who taught me, in that Old School way, that he is the correct pronoun when the party could be either sex.  But understand that most of the drivers described herein would, in fact, fall in the she category, were we to get specific.)  The highway is in a well traveled area.  We are four wide.  Each lane seems to be going at fairly close to the same speed.  Slow.  But it is the left lane that is the slowest.  There is no big event that exits left to explain this.  We find no accident or road work.  When the road is straight in front with a long incline we finally spot the source of this slow-down in the left lane.  That’s right, it’s the LLL loon.  He is oblivious to the angry stares, the flashing headlights and even the horn honks of those less-patient drivers behind him who are less open to the lesson of this loon.  He is engaged in a spirited chat on his cell phone about the sorry state of Cheifs’ football, or some such matter of dire importance.

The lesson the LLL loon teaches us is that  when you find yourself in the fast lane of life, stop and smell the flowers.  Everyone else can wait.  You are more important than all those impatient drivers behind you anyway.  Notice, I am not complaining.  I am being perfected.

Then there is the erratic left-right-left loon.  (The full name of this species is actually left-right-left fast-slow-fast trafficus erraticus, hereinafter simply LRL loon.) I have my Mariner cruising at, well cruising speed (no need to get too specific here since you never know who might be monitoring this site and, not being a legal scholar I don’t know that I am protected against self-incrimination when it comes to traffic laws) when I recognize that this LRL loon approaching fast on my tail.  Being the considerate driver I am, I naturally move to the right lane, despite the fact that an 18-wheeler is just 50 yards ahead.  I estimate that the speed at which the loon behind me is traveling will allow him to pull past me quickly enough that I will have plenty of space to make my move back to the left lane before being forced to brake by the slower moving truck.  Instead, the loon pulls up on my left flank and, inexplicably, slows down.  Now we are going the same speed.  He has simply prevented my move back to the left lane to keep from altering my cruising speed. 

So now I brake, pull behind the LRL loon who is now going just slightly faster than the right lane truck.  Finally past the truck, I am now on the loon’s tail who has slowed his speed even more, a subtle signal that now would be a good time to either speed up or move over.  Of course, the LRL does neither so I am forced to pass him on the right.  But before I can execute this procedure, I become aware of another slower moving vehicle in the right lane.  Mind, I have no problem with this car.  That is what the right lane is for–slower traffic.  But now I must again slow down to get behind the LRL.  Once we are finally past, my new friend, the LRL loon, moves into the right lane and I hit Resume on the cruise control.  You got to love the Resume.  Now life is as it should be–cruising leisurely without braking and resuming.  That period of contentment is soon broken when I endeavor to pass a truck in the right lane.  The LRL has sped up and is on my left flank once again.  The uninvited dance of the LRL loon resumes. 

A lesser man might begin to complain at this point.  But, as I said, I am not one to complain.  Rather I know God has placed this LRL in my life to teach me some valuable lesson.  Learn the lesson of the LRL Loon. 

Well, as soon as I think of what it might be, I will get back to you.

  1. Hannah Bechthold says:

    Funny. Creative. Observant. Virtues you posess that stream through your writing. Wonderful!

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